I’m gonna go on a limb here… I think my communication skills are virtually inexistent. Over the years, I deluded myself into thinking I was somewhat normal and that grad school made me socially inapt… but it didn’t. I think I just never had any social skills, but I’m just noticing it now. This has evidently been a theme for me this year. Express yourself. Not in the « voice your inner you into the world » kind of crap. I’m not that new age. I mean, express yourself intelligibly so other people can actually understand what the hell it is you’re talking about. Because no one understands me. Not because I’m dark, twisted and emo, but because I make absolutely no sense. I talk in word vomit. I blurt things straight from my chaotic brain and release them into the world, hoping someone likes crossword puzzles… because that’s what you’re getting; like it or not. I don’t talk human. I just don’t. And I don’t know if it’s because I’m blonde, if it’s because I’ve learnt so many languages in my life that I can’t master one or if it’s because I should just admit I’m ADHD, but nothing I say makes it under the concept of clarity. By the way, I had *totally* warned you guys I was an overthinker.
So over the many experiences of this year; some funny, some completely ridiculous and some just downright sad… I came to the realization I need to make sense. I need to start speaking like I write (obviously not blogs, but scientific papers). I need to think before I let the words out of my mind, before they splotch on poor unsuspecting people.
My handicap -not really, but humour me- is not only confined to everyday talk. No it would be too easy, wouldn’t it? My handicap also takes the form of my vocalizing feelings. Words like « I’m mad » just don’t make it out of my mouth. When I’m mad at someone, I circle around in my head, I rant to other people (I’m so so guilty of that) (but I’m not a backstabber, don’t get the wrong impression), when it would be so much simpler to just throw a fit at the concerned person and just get it over with.
I also have an even greater problem with expressing my love for someone. It works okay with my friends (the same way they just mute me out when I start talking « crazy »). We’ve known each other long enough that they either know it or that I’m comfortable enough to say it. No… I mean guys. Earlier this summer, my ex described me as « emotionally detached ». I really had a problem with that. Because if anything I am not. However, I’ve made it a point not to show my tears to men when they break my heart. In my opinion, it would just make me feel worse if on top of dumping me, they would get to have my dignity with it. I’m just that proud. And I also don’t tend to be weak or vulnerable next to them either. Or most people. But I hate to say it… my ex had a point. I can see why he would think I’m « emotionally detached » (it’s so formal I feel like it deserves quotation marks. God I hate that man though… in a love/hate kind of way). Also, earlier this summer I tried to tell a guy that I liked him. It didn’t really go the standard way. I told you: I don’t do things the normal way. The closest I got was « stuff gets lost in translation », but I swear, it nearly killed me. My friends where like.. « Whaaat? Wait. How does that mean anything.This is not even subtle… This is… Wait…Whaaat? ». Yeah well… That’s just how it is. I just can’t. For the life of me, I can’t. Saying this much felt to me like the equivalent of me running around the streets with my underwear on my head screaming « I love (X) ». No. Just no.
And there I am. I’m thinking why does any of this matter at all? Why do I care so much about these things? Everything boils down to words. Only words. W-O-R-D-S. Yet, I’m having this huge issue… with words. So if it’s something you learn from age 2 and you study it in school and you basically indoctrinated with grammar, vocabulary and spelling… So WHY is it so hard to speak?